The time has come

Today is right time for me to leave everything behind , time to let go of all pains anger and memories. Too much time had been wasted, too much money had been spent, too much energy had been burned, for things that does not really matter.

The time has come for me to love myself, to priotize the things ive taken for granted, time to appreciate the wonderful things life is offering me each day, time to appreciate the blessings God had bestowed, time to be grateful for saving my life from further destruction. It's about time to redeem myself.

Today i'm facing it with a bright smile in my face, with faith in my heart that someday ill meet the one God had been preparing for me. As early as now im grateful to God for that wonderful gift.
it's about time... to set myself free.

back to zero

Im sorry for what i did, for all the shouting and vile words i've thrown. Yeah maybe you just called to greet me on my birthday but the pain i still bear inside was pushing me so hard. You've done so much effort ,im aware that you've been trying to reach me for the last 3 days, then when you finally got hold of me all i did was letting you know how much i hate you. No i don't really hate you, the bitter truth is ive been waiting for your call, i miss you so much that it hurts.

I'm sorry for rractign so badly, i just need to cover up the feelings i have for you, i still you, i still want you but you've chosen another path, leaving me behind with questions and pain. I wanted to love you from a distance, i still wan to know how's your life going on now adays but if i let myself gets closer to you, it's liek letting you hurt me over and over again.

Now im in misery again, whatever defenses i was able to put up in the last few weeks was totally devastated. back to zero na naman ako. balik sa simula, balik sa sakit. Oh god i wanted to get this out of my chest.

last straw

it's been more than six monthsd since my life had turned upside down, more than six months since i've been asking him to tell me the real score, moretha six months since ive been bothering his mom about the pain im bearing inside, more than six months since his mom told me she does not know anything about it.

A few days ago i was shocked by what his mom had told me, when i asked her again if she ever met his other girl this was her casual reply "ganito kasi yun nugn birthday nya dumating yung janice may kasamang lalaki, sa isip ko ano kaya nya itong babaeng ito" . the next thing i said was "tita i asked you before if you ever met his other woman you said no" there was a quick silence . I was in real shocked by what she had told me, then later in the conversation she even informed me that he and his girl had borken up as well, how could she know it when she keeps on telling me she does not know anything?

This what his son was bragging about ,his mom's loyalty is on him no matter what he was so proud of it. Honestly , just like what ive told his dad ive never met a liar like him, never in my entire life. His dad even confessed that his family knows everything from his relationship with his ex to the recent one, cokment ng sis nya" si kuya niloloko si cecille, sila pa ni gladys".

The moment I hanged up the phone tears were already flowing, i dont know what i did to deserve that kind of treatment. If i ever did something or it just so happened i loved and trusted the wrong people.

that was the last straw, i could no longer bear it, i cold not live with it anymore.
it has to stop and it better stop now.

I miss you

I dont know why im feeling like this, it was me who decided to stop our communication, but why im in pain right now? why do i expect that somehow you might make an appeal and say " let straigthen things out". Deep inside im aware you wont, you simply wont come after me. maybe this realization really hurts me.

today i started my day with you in my mind, thinking how's you life nowadays.Every minute of my life im wishing that somehow you'll remember me, somehow you'll consider giving us a chance.

I miss you badly, so badly that even in my dream i see you and your friends. ahh my heart is simply longing for you.Tears still fall every now and then in my eyes, i still stare blankly in my ceiling night after night. I stil smoke a lot hoping in every puff of smoke that comes out in my lungs goes with it is a tiny part of the pain i bear inside. Still everything is the same night after night , day after day.

sometimes i feel like running, running away from all of this, i will run until i get far, far away from your memories that haunts me every second of my life.How will i do this? how can i overcome this ordeal? you told me i am a fighter , what you failed to notice is how weak i really am when it comes to you.

I love you, i wanted to tell you this, i wanted to email you and let you how i feel, but im afraid that you might say "sorry its too late",or afraid that youll reconsider things just to comfort me. No i dont want that, i want you to feel inside your heart that you truly love me, sadly this is not our case.

so i will just keep on writing my feelings here for you, i write and write, i will not get tired of stroking my keyboard until i would say "im finally over you".

Tell me How

How do you say goodbye
To the one you love the most
How do you let go
When your heart says No
How do you ease the pain
When someone decided to go
How do you comfort yourself
When you are longing for him

How to heal the pain
when you know the cure is only him
How do you accept when things is over
When your heart still hold on

How to be happy for him
When deep inside you are dying
How do you pick up your life
When you you’ve already built it around him

How do you bring back your self esteem
When it shattered into tiny pieces
How do you stop your tears
When it’s the only way to lessen your burden

Please tell me how
So I could get out in misery
Tell me how
So I could just set you free
Please show me how
So I could free myself from this pain

last text

it could be the last text message that i would recieve from you, so im posting it here.
Only time will unfold if these words are true.

AlexanderAlv: (January 04, 2008 15:12:54)
Cecille kng anu man worries m bout me, wlang dpat.. D k tlga maintndhan bt gnyan reaction m. At bkt k nman illihm alis k, d k pa nga msbi tlga kc ala pa tcket..
AlexanderAlv: (January 04, 2008 15:18:37)
Ung dspdida party eh nung last sat pa un nung tmwag ka sakin nung umga n galit. Ala ng smnod n party pa.. D pb kntento? Bes ala po dpat iwori, ok! Ska mgkkta p