a prodigal daugther's prayer

Dear Lord,

countless times i have hurt you , but despite of what i did you endlesly showered me with blessings. i am grateful for everything you have done in my life, for giving me a nice paying job, a job that way back then was a part of my dream. Now that i have what i dreamed of, i almost wasted it. Lord please forgive me for not giving my heart into it. help me please to appreciate more of what i'm doing right now and the fruits it brings to me and my family.
Lord last night when i was talking to my father my call turned out to be a pain in his heart instead of happiness. Honestly i love him but problems in our family clouded my heart and brings out the worst in me. God sorry for the sorrow i brought him last night , i just hope you could still give me more time to straighten things up with him. Lord also please be with my family always most especially mike, touch his heart God, please humble our hearts.

God when i found alex i'm not really sure how i felt for him, but as the days goes by i know iam falling for this person. for me he is a blessing you have sent me. the moment he came i told myself finally you have given me someone whom i could relate my life with. God i am happy being with him, love each moment we spend together, but i know i made another mistake for i have use your blessing to hurt you even more. God please forgive me, for allowing myself to be used by satan against you.
today when he told me about his mishap i was thinking maybe it was YOU calling us to come back to YOU. God thank you for reminding us again how powerful you are in our life and for letting us know (again) we can't do anything without YOU by our side. I love this man, please guide our relationship. Be with us Lord as we walk our path in the road of life, us being together.
God forgive us for all the hurts and pained we have given you. thank you for the love and blessings you are giving us.

Please be with us always. we love You.

all these i pray in Jesus name
Amen.

changes in my life

Due to our frequent fights, i've come up with a list of habbits, attitude or whatever you call it tha i need to change:

I will quit smoking: you never ask me to stop it, but i'll stop it anyway, for my health and for you.

Drink Moderately: well you frankly restrict me from drinking ( alcoholic beverages of course) if your not around or i could just drink with randy. Well i decided to just do it if you are with me and i will drink moderately. Again i'm doing this not just for the betterment of our relationship but for self improvement as well.

Stop going out with the ex boylets: you might not explicitly told me but i know why you are giving me cold shoulders lately, it was because you saw me drinking with ace the other night. for me he was a thing from the past but if us being together in any occasion freaks you out, fine with me i won't be hanging out with him anymore. i'm doing this for us.

keep our Problems between us: i'm really guilty of this one, things gets a lot uglier for i let someone know what's going on between us, most especially our problems and misunderstandings. We are two mature people i guess we arecapable of solving our own differences.

keep my promise: no matter what it takes, i should keep every word i've given you.

don't push: yeah most of the time i push you to your limits, i almost emptied your patience. you been patient enough to my every whims but i always wanted more, i never get satisfied . i always weanted things to happen exactly how i want it, i never even consideryour feelings. It's gonna be a two way traffic this time.

committment: You been asking this word from since day 1 but i just can't give it to you. You are right about last night i am afraid of this word, for i don't want to change my life and the way i live it, but i can't afford losing us just becuz of being afraid and selfish. If you will ask me again about it, i'll give it a shot ( my bestshot everrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

hoping with this self change our relationship would be better. i know you don;t believe everytime i profess my love, but i really do love you. stubborn lang talaga ako just like you.

Remember when we had fight actually not a fight we had an argument about my past relationship, i was so worried that you might drop our relationship becuz of my dark affairs. I don't want to talk to the guy for i believe that whatever we have right now my former relationships has nothing to do with it, i was not able to understand that for you to know me better you have to consider what i've been through. I told i was afraid that i might lose you which made you more eager to find out what really happened between me and the guy. that night i don't really know what to do so i ended up talkingover a glenfidich 'bout how feel with someone i consider as my father. I cried the whole time for such a very short period of time i became to used f having you beside me. i know anything could happen in a relationship , at that moment i'm not really sure if i'm prepared in what is bount to happen. I cried as if there's no tommorrow for you and me. Just before i finally fell asleep and when my eyes are run out of tears , i finally came to my senses and preapred myself for whatever will happen. That is when i've found courage to text you saying " whatever the outcome of your talked with ( forgot what's next ).... then i know for a fact that you can't love someone you don't trust, needlesss to say that you don't trust me. thanks for everything". I've sent message with a heavy heart for deep inside me , i'll be shattered if you decided to end this up. The next day when i went out i've tried my best to enjoy but i just can't get off my mind on our situation. The moment you called to inform me that we are going to talked when i get back, gave me a little hope, only to disaapoint myself when you did even bother to visit or call me, to make things worst i dialled your number only to be answered by a voicemail. The whole time i was working and waiting a sign of your existence tormented me. How my heart leaps when finally at the end of the cruise you paid me a visit. You know very well that i still need to work that tiem but i excused myself to finally settle things between us. good thing we were able to iron things out betwen us.

today we were talking about you past relationship and as you tell your story i can't help but wonder , what if those things would happen between us, would you also dessert me in times i needed you most? What if you gf of 5 years wants you back, would you at least be honest to inform me? or would you fool me as well? you always comment that i'm a very pessimistic person, how could you blame me? We started in a very strange way and yet i have given you almost all of me. Upon hearing your story i made up my mind to space myself from you, i don't want to end crying and hurting, i don't want to be crippled when the time comes. Somehow i need to reserve love and respect for myself.
Countless times i've told you how much i love you, words that according to you is not true, for you don;t it that way. I don't even know how to overcome all these insecurities and worries, and now adding up you doubts on how i really feel.
Just want you to know that i'm enjoying every moment i spent with you, evrytime i look at you i wanna tell you how much you mean to me but oftentimes i suppress myself afraid that you'll answer back with i don't believe you.

As for now i leave evrything to fate and God , if we are really meant for each other then somehow we will be able to carry out, if not then maybe somebosy else is waiting for us. i just want to enjoy and savor the moment while there's still us.

dry dock

Oct 17 at 4:00 am princess sailed all the way to freeport bahams for our dry dock, i was so excited to experience dry dock. We stayed in island palm hotel, we were 4 in room 235 me, Gina, Lyn and Mommy perl. As a group we are doing fine we simply jive, by the way extended ang group namin regular visitor namin sina jeff , arnel, tony and then later on Noel c and alex. wonder how it happend? well simply becuz of that particular tequila night. jeff was playing casino in isle of capri when i became so bored that i decided to wonder around Lucaya. there in one of those restaurants we saw tony and lyn having a good chit chat, they told us about this place called Prop club for a dance.

it all started in Prop club we were just dancing and drinking of course ( corona) when all of sudden my naughty side strikes again, i ask Paul G to have a tequila shot, there it goes started from one shot , then became two and then i lost count. Before i knew it me and alex were holding hands together , i was drunk yes but still i'm aware of it. Back to the hotel we decided to stay a bit in his room , surprisingly we found nancy lying in bed while blake is playing music on his computer. As far as i could remember the next thing i know was You and me were together and everybody was asleep, we talked no i did most of the talking and you listen. What did i say? i could no longer remember all i could of is that i was with you until 5 am. upon seeing other crew busy preparing for the days work we decided that it was time for me to get some rest and for you to go to work,. You accompany me in my room, when i was about to enter you've given me a kiss. It was light but it seems to weigh a lot.

When i woke up during lunch time i don't even know if i want to open my eyes again, the spirit of liquor had long been gone and the realization of what had happened started to sink in me. I was afraid on how am i going to face you again, all day long i've been contemplating on how it would be. Dinner time came and here you are, brought me some food, i know then that what had started would lead to something else. I'm scared but still i'm willing to give us a chance.

Dry dock had ended last Oct 28th, but i'm glad that we are still holding on. i don't know for how long, all i know is im happy having you beside me. i'm glad you came into my life and i hope and pray that we will be able to carry on no matter what comes in our way.

hurricane Katrina

Wednesday august 23,2005 the evening cruise was cancelled due to hurricane Katrina, instead of sailing just 3 miles away from the port we sailed all the way to key west. The sea was rough but tolerable we were able to finish our report and payroll around 10:30 pm. During that nightSid one of our utility guy celebrated his birthday , after work i hung out with them for about 45 minutes, i haven't even finished my corona. i was so tired and sleepy so i decided to go to bed.

thursday 4:30 am i woke up so early that no matter how i try to go back to sleep , i simply can't. so i decided to start reading 3rd degree by james patterson. Around 6:00 am took a bath had my breakfast afterwards. i was so curios about the weather condition outside so i decided to take a look in the outside deck, gosh the wind was so strong that i have to pause several times before reaching the pool, where i could take cover while looking at the sea. a part of me was trembling for i know anything could happen to me while i was there, what if the wind would blow me off from the deck, would anybody notice me? Just the thought of me being a man overboard make me quiver. i stayed there more a moment until it begun raining so i decided to back to my cabin to continue reading and start cleaning my room.

Luch time i wen to the crew mess to eat and to hang out with several crew member, most of them are playing tong its sine i dont have any knowledge with the game i could not join them and ended up watching and chatting with them. After an hour i got tired that's when i remember my book and resume my reading in the crew mess, before we knew it it was 1:00am , imagine the day had passed me by just like that. good thing i was able to finish my book but still sleep was evading me. i was lying in my bed trying to sleep but i can't simply because the sea was so rough that i decided to sleep with my lifejacket beside me. Horrible thoughts of what could happen keep on flowing in my mind. I was even awaken for i thought i've heard some people running in the hallway with their lifejackets on. worst things come into my mind which i tried to push away. But the the possibility of it struck me and keeps me awake.

what if all of sudden things become worst? what would i do? what if God decided to take back the life He had lend to me, am i ready for it? where would i go heaven or hell? would god be delighted seeing me or He wont be able to recognize me? the thought of dying any moment made me ponder on these thoughts, which lead me to evaluating my whole life. No i am not yet ready to die that's one thing i'm sure of. i still have a lot of things and attitudes to correct. i am not yet ready as simple as that. Before i realize it we are about to dock when i woke up.
At last hurricane katrina had past so are the strong winds and rough seas but the things i had realized stayed.

sometimes out of bad situation we were able to focused our thought on far more important things in life, like death and salvation. Thanks you katrina , you may have been a disastrous hurricane but somehow you made a difference in me.

change is great

Well ate zen is back soi have to move out againnnnn!!!!! i thinks it's my third room since i got back from home, hopefully i'll stay in this room 'till the end ofmy contract. Despite of the ever constant room transfer finally i'm glad that i've got a room all for my self now. couldn't complain, i could sleep whenever i want to, watch movie ( thanks xtian) till wee hours, read a book 'till my eyes are sore and most of all i could decorate it to suit my style. i'm really happy!!!!

on the other side i have to be more disciplined now, since nobody will wake me up to attend the morning drill every friday , but that's alright i know i could managed it.

a l0t of things had changed and i'm glad that it favors me so far!!!!!!

IN THE END........

"people maybe UNKIND, just be KIND. They may CHEAT,just be HONEST. they may FORGET your good deeds, just do GOOD. In the end, it's between YOU and GOD, NOT YOU AND THEM. GOD BLESS"

Someone forwarded an email and at the end i found this passage very useful. It encourage me to keep on doing what i beleive is right in the eyes of God, on the other hand i was also convicted for i have done tons of sinful acts too.

sometimes in our life we met someone whom from the very start you just simply got connected. You have the same interest, came from the same place or you simply like this person. so you started hanging out with this person, soon you are opening again your very own pandora's box, for reasons like you want that person know you better, that person is a friend and you want that person to accept you for exactly who you are. And everything just seems to be fine.

then one day you found out something, that this person was not exactly the one you've thought she/he is. slowly the real self is showing off. You are caught offguarded. You can't beleive that person made a fool out of you. You start asking yourself how did it happen? What will i do now?
then slowly tears started to fall.

"it's ironic, the person whom you've trusted so much, dearly loved and gives you unmeasurable amount of happiness , would be the same person who would shatter your life even your soul."

Well life's like that, good thingis, there is God that we count on every single moment of our life. As the Bible said" it is betterto take refuge in GOD than in any MAN"....... in the end we all seek God's help....... think about it

a guide in knowing the real on

A close friend of mine forwarded this email to me. He told me that it was meant for me, but i beleive it meant for everyone who's still trying to find the real one, the one that God had created for us. Please find time reading it, who knows it might lead you to the right person.enjoy!!!!!


I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But i have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage.Something about the closure seems constricting, notenabling. Marriage seems easier to understand forwhat it cuts out of our lives than for what it makespossible within our lives.When i was younger this fear immobilized me. I did notwant to make a mistake. I saw my friends get marriedfor reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever,or just because they thought it was the logical thingto do. Then I watched, as they and their partnersbecame embittered and petty in their dealings witheach other. I looked at older couples and saw, atbest, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined alifetime of loveless nights and bickering and couldnot imagine subjecting myself or someone else to sucha fate.And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old coupleswho somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence.They seemed really in love, not just dependent uponeach other and tolerant or each other's foibles. Itwas an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible.How, I asked myself, can they have survived so manyyears of sameness, so much irritation at the other'shabits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of usseem unable to even stay together, much less love eachother?The central secret seems to be in choosing well. thereis something to the claim of fundamentalcompatibility. Good people can create a badrelationship, even thought they both dearly want therelationship to succeed. It is important to findsomeone with whom you can create a good relationshipfrom the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to seeclearly in the early stages.Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors theway you see yourselves together. It binds you to thethousands of little things by which relationshipseventually survive or fail. You need to find a way tosee beyond this initial overwhelming sexualfascination. Some people choose to involve themselvessexually and ride out the most heated period of sexualattraction in order to see what is on the other side.This can work, but it can also leave a trail ofwounded hearts. Others deny the sexual sidealtogether in an attempt to get to know each otherapart from their sexuality. But they cannot seeclearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexualdesire looms so large that it keeps them from havingany normal perception of what life would be liketogether.the truly lucky people are the ones who manage tobecome long time friends before they realize they areattracted to each other. They get to know each other'slaughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see eachother at their best. They share time together beforethey get swept into the entangling intimacy of theirsexuality.This is the ideal, but not often possible. If youfall under the spell of your sexual attractionimmediately, you need to look beyond it for other keysto compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughtertells you how much you will enjoy each others companyover the long term.If your laughter together is good and healthy, and notat the expense of others, then you have a healthyrelationship to the world. Laughter is the child ofsurprise. If you can make each other laugh, you canalways surprise each other. And if you can alwayssurprise each other, you can always keep the worldaround you new.Beware of a relationship in which there is nolaughter. Even the most intimate relationships basedonly n seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Overtime, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the worldtends to turn you against those who do not share thesame viewpoint, and your relationship can become basedon being critical together.After laughter, look for a partner who deals with theworld in a way you respect. When two people first gettogether, they tend to see their relation ship asexisting only in the space between the two of them.Then find each other endlessly fascinating and theoverwhelming power of the emotions they are sharingobscures the outside world. As the relationship agesand grows the outside world becomes important again.If your partner treats people or circumstances in away you can't accept, you will inevitably come togrief. Look at the way she cares for others and dealswith the daily affairs of life. If that makes you loveher more, your love will grow. If it does not, becareful. If you do not respect the way you each dealwith the world around you, eventually the two of youwill not respect each other.Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteriesof life. We live on the cusp of poetry andpracticality, and the real life of the heart residesin the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected bythe mystery of the unseen in life and relationships,while the other is drawn only to the literal and thepractical, you must take care that the distancedoesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves youeach feeling isolated and misunderstood.There are many other keys, but you must find them byyourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our heartsthat we will not betray and private commitments to avision of life that we will not deny. If you fall inlove with someone who cannot nourish those inviolableparts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her,you will find yourselves growing further apart untilyou live in separate world where you share thebusiness of live, but never touch each other where theheart lives and dreams. From there it is only a smallleap to the cataloging of petty hurts and dailyfailures that leaves so many couples bitter andunsatisfied with their mates.So choose carefully and well. If you do, you willhave chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and thenthe real miracle of marriage can take place in yourhearts. I pick my words carefully when i speak of amiracle. But I think it is not too strong a word.There is a miracle in marriage. It is calledtransformation. Transformation is one of the mostcommon events of nature. The seed becomes the flower.The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomesspring and love becomes a child. We never questionthese, because we see them around us every day. To usthey are not miracles, though if we did not know themthey would be impossible to believe.Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Ourlove is planted like a seed, and in time it begins toflower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom,but we can be sure that a bloom will come.If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloomwill be good. IF you have chosen poorly or for thewrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quitewilling to accept the reality of negativetransformation in a marriage. It was negativetransformation that always had me terrified of thebitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. Itnever occurred to me to question the dark miracle thattransformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet Iwas unable to accept the possibility that the firsthear of love could be transformed into somethingpositive that was actually deeper and more meaningfulthan the hear of fresh passion. All I could believe inwas the power of this passion and the fear that whenit cooled I would be left with something lesser andbitter.But there is positive transformation as well. Likenegative transformation, it results from a slowaccretion of little things. But instead of death by athousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches oflove. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings,two separate presence, two separate consciousnessescome together and share a view of life that passesbefore them. They remain separate, but they alsobecome one. There is an expansion of awareness, not aclosure and a constriction, as I had once feared. Thisis not to say that there is not tension and there arenot traps. Tension and traps are part of every choiceof life, from celibate to monogamous to havingmultiple lovers. Each choice contains within it thelingering doubt that the road not taken somehow morefruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to therichness that it alone contains.But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand andbe leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen,against all odds, to become one. Those who Levtogether without marriage can know the pleasure ofshared company, but there is a specific gravity in themarriage commitment that deepens that experience intosomething richer and more complex.So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rushinto it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faithand it contains within it the power of transformation.If you believe in your heart that you have foundsomeone with whom you are able to grow, if you havesufficient faith that you can resist the endlessattraction of the road not taken and the partner notchosen, if you have the strength of heart to embracethe cycles and seasons that your love will experience,then you may be ready to seek the miracle thatmarriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace ofa marriage well made is worth your patience. When thetime comes, a thousand flowers willbloom....endlessly.What can you say?


I

late Againnnnn..........

I was horified when i found that our ship had docked and yet i'm still in bed, thanks to my cabin mate whowoke me up). i should have been in the office 2 hours ago and yet here i am so irresponsible. i'm a CPA and yet i could not even come on time , very unprofessional of me. What a shameful act. Eversince I've been known for being a late comer but way back before i would make excuses like traffic, commuting is hard, i'm living too far from our meeting place and so forth and so on , i had a tons of alibis just to justify my tardiness, but here in the ship i could find any reason to be late for my office is jsut a 3 minutes walk from my cabin. no more alibis for me.

i felt deeply sorry for myself , i could have changed this bad habit if only i've accepted it before. Way back i remember a friend who said" when you reach the age of 25 you won't be able to change your attitude" i don't agree with her , but how can i argue, i'm a living proof of what she said. Still i believe there's hope for me. It won't be easy but i'll give it a shot.

I wrote about it so i won't be able to forget it. for aside from being late i'm not consistent as well, no wonder i feel stagnate right now. I really felt so bad about it.

She....pack ur stuff and seal ur values

She was my classmate in freshman, first semester to be exact. we never had the chance to be good friends way back then. she had a group of her own and i had a different circle of friends. As far as i could remember this girl really excel in algebra, among other math subjects. s he's got a slim body but got a boyish getup too. honestly i could not remember how we became good friends, all i know is , one day we just started hanging out together and then a beautiful friendship started to sprout.

During our college days , She is conservative type tipong bahay eskwela lang. Actually when me and our friends started having drinking sessions she would make "sermon" to death, there even come a time where we make laugh of all her sermons. We had our owns bumps every now and then but we were able to weather out all those individual diffirences.

After we college we started going on different paths, most of us went to review school while She headed to her hometown to work . We rarely hear from each other then. on some occasions She would go to Manila and we managed to at least see each other. things had changed a lot between all of us but then one thing remained the same ; our friendship, it was able to stand before time.

last july 3,2005 she went to Canada ,i know this decison is quiet hard , most especially if the love of your life will be left behind. i could just imagine the tears that she had tried to hold back as she waves goodbye. She, i know it's difficult, i've been through it, but one thing that keeps me going is the promise of a brighter future for me and my family. i remember when i was about to leave for florida , i busied myself with all those necessary papers and other stuff which i thought i'll be needing badly. it was too late for me to realize i forgot to pack the most vital stuff. wondering what are those?Well i forgot to pack my values and principles in life, i was so excited that finally i'll be far from home..... finally i'm free to do things i wanted to do.

she as you along on your new journey please hold on to your values, keep it inside your heart and you'll never go wrong. i'm wishing you luck friend and i'm looking forward to seeing and spending more time with you.....again

Remember these pictures????? it was fun.

i got it

i'm really happy now cuase i wasabletoupload a photoin my blog, isn't it great!!!! learning newthings is fun. as if naman ang hirap ng ginawa ko he he he he. i'm really happy

did it worked?

im trying to upload a photo intomy blog . just wanted tofind out if it did worked. dyarannnnn letme check it

madame auring's relationship and mine

i was about to enter our crew mess when i heard a sudden burst of laughter, my curiosity push me to take a look at the tv show whom a group of men are watching, to my surprise ( or dismay ) they're watching etk, where the hosts are interviewing madame auring and archie. the guys just keep on laughing while the interview is going on,. well who wouldn't be anyway? I myself hurried to get some food so i could watch the remaining part of the interview In a split second my voice is echoing in the mess room, i myself couldn't help but laugh out loud.

could this love between madame auring and archie for real or reel, sadly i don;t have the means to find out. How could you fall for someone who's a lot older than you? If my calculations are correct madame i think is 20 or more years older than archie. if i happen to come accross them, say in a shopping mall and don't have any idea who they are, i would say that madame is archie's grandmother. people say that love see's no boundaries, that love conquers all and that age doesn't matter when it comes to loving someone. with due respect to these people, i still does not agree to their relationship. sorry guys but that's how i feel.

Eventhough we are in the 21st century still having an affair with much older person is taboo in our society, though nowadays even the hollywood are invaded with "May December Affair", just like Ashton and Demi, Sandra and this guy from the movie notebook. A few years back a person whose very dear to me had this kind of affair which i really hated, it almost shatter a family. sometimes i can't help but wonder , what if this kind of affair would come accross me, what would i do? would i have enough to courage to on? or would i be coward?...... I still have a long way to go before i could find out.

On the other side i admire the courage tha these people are showing, i could just imagine the harsh words they hear everytime they're seen in public places not to mention the meaningful glances and sarcasms. As we all know , some people simply love giving unnecessary remarks. if i'm in madame's shoes i just don't know how long could i hold on. you see i'm the type of person who get's affected easily by other people's opinions, though right now i'm trying to pretend that i simply does not care what other people would think of me, but mind you i do care deep inside.

After watching the show can't help but compare my current realtionship with what they have, well we are not exactly in the same situation but i could say fairly similar. similar in a way that my affair also deviates from society and God's norms, i;m trying to pull myself out in this situation but i find it so hard. i could no longer deny it, i'm beginning to miss the person, which i know would lead me to loving him, if i'll continue dwelling in it.

love gives us immeasurable happiness but if this love means someone else sorrow, i think it is better to give up. If the negative outweighs the positive side i could see no reason why you have to hold on. That's how i think is right ... but my feelings does not jive with what i'm thinking ( selfish me, strikes again). this is my struggle right now, i jus tdon't know if i'm going to win it over.

love is splendid indee!!!!!!!!! ( totoo ba to?)

Who am i ......2 u

Who am I to you.........????this question seems so easy to ask , but it took me a lot of courage and strenght to finally utter these words to that special person, whom i never knew got hold of me without even noticing it. He was a bit shock, maybe he never thought that one day ill be asking him of my existence. he pause for a while and then ...... he told me friend???
His answer just took away all the sanity in me.... friend? i stopped and think what does the word friend means to me... a friend is someone i could talk to and bare my soul without even worrying what the person would think of me after. this guy who's standing in front of me in any way does not belong to my so called friends. How could he even address me that way when all we did was kissing and smooching for months. How could we be when we barrely talk about what's going on our mind and hearts. Now it was me who's shocked. i look him in his eyes and told him i can't go on a " relationship" that we could never define.
I was hurt simply because my feelings was not reciprocated. Still i stood there in front of him trying to memorize his face, trying to find sincerity in his eyes, in his cold eyes. later he ask me if we could be friends or drinking buddies maybe, still staring at his eyes i said no, i simply can't. Can't pretend that everything is fine when deep inside i am bleeding. i was there standing and just waiting for him to turn his back on me but then he just stayed looking back at me. his gaze penetrated through my soul and it hurts me more, until i could no longer stand it and told him to please just give some time......time to heal my wounded heart.

moments later he ask me to go inside, i did not say a word instead i ask him to just leave me there.... then without saying anything he just left..... leaving me outside my door looking at nowhere.

i toss and turn in my bed , no matter what i do i could not sleep, so i tried figuring out my feelings towards what had just happened, was i hurt ?yes of course. do i hate him ? of course not,, after all he was just being honest. did i regret asking him that question? no , for i wanted to know where i stand. moments later i grabbed my phone sent him a message of thanks not for hurting me of course but for being honest.......

finally i drifted to sleep....not with a smile on my face but a tear in my eyes....